I was five years old when things went sideways. My father was back after walking out when I was a baby. Every rotten thing that a kid could ever experience short of death became the new normal for the next nine years at his house when I visited. Summers, school holidays, and every other weekend were now also known as “Hell.” There were threats to ensure I wouldn’t tell, so I kept my mouth shut. When I finally opened up about it, I was an adult and the perpetrators were gone. Unfortunately, I wasn’t believed so I quickly buried the pain and shut up again.
I married at 20, then 36, both abusers who reaffirmed the low opinion I had of myself. Over the next 20 years, I lost everything because of the chaotic way I lived my life trying to escape the abuse and my past. I was sexually assaulted four times during those years. I finally chose to start taking care of myself. Not long after that, I met my current husband. It was the first time I fell in love with a good man. We’ve been together for 23 years.
My life taught me how to be strong, but I had help. I was in my 30s when I met people who listened to my story for the first time and said the most important words any survivor needs to hear: “I believe you.”
When my oldest son disappeared six years ago at age 32, I thought I would die from grief and fear. But I had faced fear and grief before. It took time, but I had help. I got stronger. When I was a young girl, I dreamed of being a mom, but I have lost four out of six of my children. I feel grief daily, but I also feel joy. Ultimately, after a lifetime of hatred and abuse, I learned how to forgive my biggest enemy. Me. This has changed everything.
Writing has been an important part of my healing. Here is an example of one of my poems:
Soul Eater
smile…soft and tender…charming…absolutely flawless
eyes…dark, exciting…liquid…lit by inner fire
face…like an angel…chiseled…handsome as the devil
lips…warm, impassioned…kissing…fill you with desire
talk…conversation…piques you…synchronicity
thoughts…strong connection…probing…urge you to explore
voice…deep, entrancing…whispers…sensuous and purring
words…incantations…reach you…touch your very core
hands…strong, so gentle…touching…know your every need
arms…muscles rippling…hold you…comforting and warm
body…lithe, athletic…graceful…panther in the night
male…pressed upon you…enters…hot and pulsing storm
man…now a husband…promise…vows in candlelight
his…living for him…future…plans, a joyous start
yours…these, your choices…trembling…now a leap of faith
then…shock, discovery…unmasked…beast without a heart
smiles…eyes on fire…cloaking….coiled snake beneath
face…lips twist cruelly…sneering…all the lies revealed
talk…conversation…mocking…echoing with pride
voice…words sarcastic…slicing…venom covered steel
hands…raised against you…punish…know your weakest spots
fists…clenched in anger…punching…pummeling your face
arms…locked around you…stronger…python in the night
male…body raging…forcing…shame, a dark disgrace
man…now a husband…lying…shattered promises and dreams
his…dying by him…slowly…broken, empty, cold
yours…these your choices…trembling…now a deep abyss
then…icy knowledge…man…eater of your soul
Copyright © 1998. 2022. Tizz O’Toole. All rights reserved.